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I HEART NYC Craigslist

I guess you can see what I’m been doing in NYC. This Craigslist ad delights me.

Am Renting A Single Room in my Apartment Newly Renovated And Painted… It’s 13 in a half feet by 8 in a half feet It Has A TV, Dresser, And Bed… The room is private…. I would like a nice CLEAN decent working Responsible FEMALE Preferred or a Male with no bad habits at all, if smoker okay … Iam 420 Friendly… IAM NOT GAY IAM TOTALLY A STRAIGHT MAN.. BUT IAM GAY FRIENDLY AS LONG AS THERES NO DISRESPECT FROM YOUR PART!!…. I also Have a 6 months old Jack-Chi Puppie Dog…Iam not askin for to much just for a clean person and not a liar that would say one thing and do and say and show another thing and way about them….Iam a very clean person and since you would be living in MY Apartment I Expect you to be CLEAN all around meaning not just your appearance and also since you would live here you must CLEAN i have to be very specific since others i had here claimed where clean but where total slobs so please if you aint CLEAN or want too CLEAN dont answer my ad this aint for you, dont lie to me or yourself…iam looking for a responsible person so if your not and you ever want to leave its okay…. The room is ready to move in for April 1st Or April 7th 2010 Or Any Day After That….IAM RENTING FOR 2-3 MONTHS TEMPORARY ONLY… NOT LOOKING AT THIS MOMENT OR TIME FOR ANYTHING LONGER THEN THAT!!.. .. Its light, gas, and only Basic Cable included if you want more i can provide but it will be a little more in cost in your rent internet will be A EXTRA COST OF $30 dollars more a month or more cable channels as well both separtely charged… The rent is $550 a month plus 2 weeks security move in deposit of $275 which would be return upon leaving depending if no damages or any broken rules and how long you have lived here..So the whole move in cost comes out to a total of $825 move in cost. I ONLY ACCEPT MONTHLY RENT PAYMENTS NOT WEEKLY NO CHECKS OR MONEY ORDERS ONLY CASH!.. Its located in the Bushwick Part of Brooklyn its near all shops, supermarkets, shopping areas…, 24 hr stores and 24HR laudramats, near ALL, and subways L line Dekalb Avenue Station IS A Block AWAY , ACROSS FROM WYCKOFF HEIGHTS MEDICAL CENTER (HOSPITAL), and M Line Knickerbocker Avenue Station 3 Blocks Away its ONLY 18 minutes to the city EITHER DIRECTION ON EITHER TRAIN!!!, And the neighborhood is a good one and a decent and safe one…The room is only for one person meaning the person i rent to i allow visitors till certain times on certain days weekends a little later but thats all no one staying here but the one i rent to ONLY… The person would be my room mate so respect my rules and wishes and there wont be any problems at all…. iam not loud or want that or need it in my apartment or the building i live ive in. Iam a very good person to get along with no worries from me i just hope you wont give me any or trouble because i dont stand for that or tolerate it in my house….. If your interested you must leave some kind of deposit half so the room can be held down for you and secured… you can reach me at ###-###-####(Home)…. And ###-###-####(Cell) leave a message if no answer with a call back number and name and i’ll get back to you as soon as possible, so we can set up a appointment Ask For Kafka… Hope To Be Hearing From You Very Soon… Thank You…. God Bless and Happy New Years To All…… Kafka….. IF YOUR A COUPLE RENT WILL BE $800 MONTH PLUS 2 WEEKS SECURITY OF $400 TOTAL $1200.00 MOVE IN COST. I DONT REALLY RENT OUT TO PEOPLE COMING FROM OUTER STATE WITH NO JOBS BUT LIKE ITS TEMPORARY AS LONG AS YOU HAVE THE RENT UP FRONT FOR TWO MONTHS AT LEAST CUZ ITS A 3 MONTHS STAY THE MOST THEN ITS OKAY SO ONLY ANSWER IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY THE RENT BUT IF YOU CANT I DONT AND CANT WAIT PLEASE DONT ANSWER IF THIS IS YOU OR IF YOU ARE A SLOB OR A PIG SORRY THIS AINT FOR YOU AT ALL!! IAM VERY MUCH A CLEAN PERSON … CALL FROM 11:00AM TILL 11:00PM…..

There are so many story possibilities after reading this. The sentiments twist and turn. A hope to not be given any trouble, but an edict about allowing visitors only at certain times, on certain days, but luckily for a little later on the weekend. Still a Happy New Year is wished to all.

The punctuation is very interesting, with ellipses ranging from 2 to 5 dots, including the spectacular flourish of three dots followed by a comma (…,).

The early (Iam) occurences signal a new way of self-expression, but the disregard of apostrophes is abandoned with the late appearance of (i’ll).

The abrasive use of CAPS is established early on with a tawdry, much uttered sentiment of (IAM NOT GAY), followed by five large medicinal CLEAN’s. Still the ad crescendos with the little known fact that Manhattan can be reached in 18 minutes from either the L or M train (EITHER DIRECTION ON EITHER TRAIN!!!).

I would have liked to have a little more information on the Jack-Chi puppy. I feel affronted that males applying can have no bad habits whereas females only need to be clean and responsible, but maybe it is harder to be clean and responsible, as it is easier to hide one’s bad habits but not the fact that one is a slob.

19 thoughts on “I HEART NYC Craigslist

  1. I feel like somebody who says this shit:


    …has no business living in New York.

      1. yeah, i also discovered this little known fact, but didnt’ think anyone would believe me if i posted it on the internet. in a rush one morning, i accidentally got on the carnasie-bound L train and then 18 minutes later (on the dot) was somehow standing in central park.

        it was like an episode of sliders or something. i guess no one has figured out that east new york doesn’t exist, that it’s actually just a wormhole connecting brooklyn to manhattan.


  2. I especially like that his name is evidently Kafka.

    Also, his reluctance for outer state people. Must be very Zen, to be only concerned for those of inner states.

    1. Possibly he meant ‘outer space’ ? It would be interesting to try to sell yourself as being from New Jersey. “It’s only just over the river.” No, no, he would say. Yet someone from Buffalo would be acceptable.

        1. Ha. Thanks, Greg. I’ll be here all night!

          …actually. I won’t. I’m at work, and if I have to be here all night, life would suck holes black enough to warp the Carnasie-bound L train to lower Manhattan in 18 minutes flat.

      1. It’s layered sadness, right?

        There’s the sadness of the basic tragedy/loss or whatever, but then also the parents’ bizarro paranoia abt government and conspiracy and Hollywood is sad in another way… and then the sort-of existential sadness abt how insignificant this man was underscored by the fact he worked in an industry all abt inflated significance.

  3. I rented a room once from a Mr. Walser, and he was never around when we needed to pay the bills—always out on these long walks, often for weeks at a time. Couldn’t hold down a decent job, either. At least with this Kafka, he takes his position at the insurance company very seriously, and probably never goes out. Just stays in most evenings, writing letters to his father…

    That said, I’d check to see how many doors the bedroom has… You might wake up one morning to find people banging on all three of them…

    (Oh, the jokes, they write themselves!)

  4. UPDATE: Kafka posted this ad again this morning. Room is ready April 7th. Made me notice the hilarity of the above ad when he says you can move in on April 1st or April 7th.

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