The Unbearable Mittness of Being

I have an image in my mind: Mitt Romney, in neon rain, being stalked by Harrison Ford. Ford’s about to “retire him.” Is Mitt a mandroid? Is he powered by Land’s End catalogs and a laugh subroutine? Could be.

It might also be that he’s the perfect example of “true neutral” in D&D. This would explain his flip-flopping. Romney is undecided. He’s just striving to maintain balance. To do so, he must side with that opinion which is, at any given time, overpowered by its opposite. Mitt is a cosmic Zen master, and he’s here to enlighten us all.

In this case, I’m sorry to see Harrison Ford creeping up behind him, ready to retire poor Mitt for being a replicant. In this version of MittLand, Mitt’s the karmic balance the country so desperately needs. He’s here to help, a kind of savior, and Harrison Ford is just a 21st century Judas.

Mitt is a great guy. He likes your sporting team. He likes how the autonomous playing units throw the small, white sphere to and fro, landing said sphere in a worn leather phalanges cover-all ironically named after him. Mitt would smile at this, unshuttering his thousand watt teeth. He would then laugh in a way that would be totally believable. You would like him, and you would hate Harrison Ford for trying to bring our poor Mitt down. And one day, when the mothership came to take Mitt back ,you’d cry, knowing he was, really, too good to be true, and better than any country that thought they deserved him.

Mitt will leave behind the ultimate wisdom, and it is this: There is no Mitt. There is only the ever-shifting idea of Mittness. He is The Man in the Khaki Pants, the manifestation of the zeitgeist at any given time. To know Mitness is to know the self. For whatever you may be, Mitt can be also.

So, next time you think about laughing at Mitt, remember the vast gulfs of existential nothingness he has fashioned into a mirror for our times. And buy some khakis, Mitt would want you to.

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