Bieber Fever

It isnt these lesbians resemble Justin Bieber

It’s Justin Bieber resembles these lesbians

I for one think of Justin Bieber as a poseable doll with candy-coated skin

Coating like that velvet kind on candy-coated cake balls

I keep searching the internet to find out what that kind is called, but maybe it’s just called candy coating

On facebook, my friend called Justin Bieber an androgynous sideshow attraction, and I was like, I think you’re confusing Justin Bieber with me

I’d probably be willing to watch Usher fuck Justin Bieber

Especially if Justin Bieber climbed on top and bounced

Today I went to see the Justin Bieber movie

On the new Ebert show (which actually contains very little Ebert), the lady said the movie conveys the euphoria of a first crush

Which is exactly what I’m in the mood for like 100% of the time

Especially in the Spring

But the guy critic was like, Are you crazy, this movie’s one big infomercial

I want to write my own big infomercial about the euphoria of a first crush

And I’ll crush on Justin Bieber

And Justin Bieber will invite me on stage and call me One Less Lonely Girl, blow his voice into my ear

And Justin Bieber will invite me on tour

And Justin Bieber and I will sing duets

(For which I’m clearly better-suited than Miley Cyrus or Jaden Smith)

In the dressing room, Justin Bieber’s crew will steam my sequins

My rider will include bowls of Swedish Fish

Confetti will fall on arenas like souvenir swatches of my own and Justin Bieber’s candy skin, will land on the audience’s outstretched tongues

And the climax of this infomercial will be when I remember I have no sexual interest in Justin Bieber whatsoever

And I reconcile all my horniness and teenage emo longing by getting banged by Justin’s tattooed daddy

I mean his actual father, who to tell the truth is way more my scene

But then after, I’ll spend several hours cuddling Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber who is my new BFF

And I’ll kiss the back of Justin Bieber’s neck three times

And I’ll sigh with contentment when he shivers and gets hard

 


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