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At the risk of total self-indulgence…

I wrote this in the third grade (1990-1991). It betrays its influence in romantic action comedies of the 1980’s. Our third grade teacher Miss Viernow put a director’s chair in one corner of the room. She encouraged us to write stories and once a week we would gather in that corner, and one by one we would each sit in the director’s chair and read our work to the class. At the end of the year, everyone in the class nominated each other for various awards (everybody got something), and I took home a piece of decorated construction paper that said, “Best Writer.” I still have this “certificate” in a file cabinet somewhere, because my mother — like most mothers of so-called millennials, at least according to current dominant discourse — kept all that kinda shit.

In the comment thread, please post your own childhood scrawl, if you’ve still got any on hand.


CUTE COP

A woman named Tasha Tanellie had just graduated from college to be a cop. She had long blond hair with bangs that were brushed to the side. She had a friend named Vicky. Vicky had long, blond, crimped hair, with some of it in a ponytail that stuck up and went back down.

They each had a dream boy. Tasha’s dream boy was a cute cop with spiked hair and a caring attitude. Vicky’s dream boy was a hunk with black hair greased back, a black leather jacket, a white t-shirt, jeans and a cool attitude.

There was a man named Tony Talato who had been a cop for a year and enjoyed his job. He was cute with spiked hair and a caring attitude. He had a friend named Danny. Danny was a hunk with black hair greased back, a black leather jacket, a white t-shirt, jeans and a cool attitude.

They each had a dream girl.

Tony’s dream girl was a pretty policewoman with long blond hair with bangs that were brushed to the side. Danny’s dream girl was a woman with long blond crimped hair with some of it in a ponytail that stuck up and went back down.

Tony and Danny were watching the six o’ clock news. The news was showing some information about Tasha and that she was now a cop. Then they showed a picture of her.

“Oh my gosh! That’s my dream girl!” thought Tony.

Soon after that, they mentioned Vicky, and that she was Tasha’s best friend. Then they showed a picture of her.

“Oh my gosh! That’s my dream girl!” thought Danny.

The next day when Tony walked into the station there was Tasha sitting at a desk in her little room where she worked. When she looked out the window, she saw him.

“Oh my gosh! That’s my dream boy!” she thought.

When Tony saw her, he knocked on her door because he wanted to get to know her.

“Come in,” she said. Tony came in.

“Um, hi,” they both said at the same time.

“When I heard you were new here I thought I’d like to meet you,” Tony said.

“Um, uh, um, I guess I can’t say this,” Tasha said.

“No, you can say it,” Tony said.

“Well, um, here it goes. You’re my dream boy!” Tasha said.

“Well you’re my dream girl!” he said.

They walked toward each other. He held her in his arms and they had a big long kiss. Near the end of the kiss, the chief walked in to see them kissing. As soon as they noticed the chief had walked in they pushed away from each other.

“What is it, chief?” asked Tasha.

“Um, I just wanted to see how you were doing,” answered the chief as he walked out.

“I have something to tell you,” Tony said to Tasha.

“Well, what is it?” asked Tasha.

“Your friend Vicky is my friend Danny’s dream girl,” said Tony.

“Well what does Danny look like?” asked Tasha.

“Well, he’s a hunk with black hair greased back, a black leather jacket, a white t-shirt, jeans and a cool attitude,” answered Tony.

“That’s Vicky’s dream boy!” said Tasha.

“Oh my gosh!” They both said at the same time. Then he held her in his arms again and they had another big long kiss.

“Will you take me to the Snowflake Under the Ice Dance?” asked Tasha.

“Anything for you,” answered Tony.

“I’ll bring Vicky so Danny can meet her,” said Tasha, and they had another big long kiss.

When Tony got home from the station, he told Danny about the date.

“Thank you!” said Danny.

It was the night of the date. When Tony and Danny got to the dance, there was Vicky. Danny walked toward her and they a big long kiss while Tony and Tasha danced. They had a lot of dates like this and finally Danny decided he would marry Vicky and Tasha decided she would marry Tony. They would have a double wedding.

On the day of the wedding, Danny and Tony received a letter from a man named Wiley McCoy. It said that he had kidnapped Tasha and Vicky and he would take them away on TWA Flight 479 to Tokyo, Japan, if they didn’t bring $777,777,777,777,777 to him at the airport by 4:00 p.m.

Tony and Danny quickly made some fake money and rushed to the airport. When they got to the gate, there was Wiley with Vicky and Tasha.

“Here’s the money,” said Tony as he slid it to Wiley.

“This is fake money, you idiots!” Wiley yelled as Tony and Danny ran off with Tasha and Vicky. Wiley chased them through the airport. Tony reached for his gun.

“Stick-em up,” he yelled.

“Not in your whole stinkin’ life!” yelled Wiley as he pointed his gun at Tony.

They both shot at the same time and hit two different lights on the ceiling that crashed to the airport floor. They still ran. Soon Tony reached a phone booth and dialed the chief. He told him to get a squad out quickly. Soon the police squad was there and with the help of Tony, they arrested Wiley.

Quickly, Tony, Vicky, Tasha and Danny got to the church. They were just in time for the wedding, and now they were married.

THE END.

3 thoughts on “At the risk of total self-indulgence…

  1. That was really awesome for a third grader. Thanks for sharing, Tim.

    I made comics in elementary school. No one ever said anything about the drawings, but they always swooned over the little stories I wrote for each picture, so by middle school I gravitated toward writing stories and poems and gave up on drawing/sketching.

    My dad still has the first comic I ever made. It was for his birthday. It was about a father and daughter who were in a shipwreck. They were the only survivors and stranded on a desert island. They end up building a tree-house, fighting off evil monkeys, and building a sailboat to make their grand escape. I was absolutely convinced it was a masterpiece. My confidence as a child was really intense; I kind of miss that feeling of certainty in my awesomeness. It dissolved during puberty, like most other kids.

  2. Man, this is too good, Tim… hard to compete with this.

    Here’s a 6th grade haiku — the assignment was to write a haiku about an animal without mentioning the animal’s name:

    like a coiled spring
    constricting around its prey
    crushing it to death

    Like you, I received a “certificate” for writing it but my piece doesn’t have the same verve as yours…

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