‘Seth Schultz’:

Seth ruins an orgy by coming dressed as a bear.

‘Eggs Benedict’:

A Tyrannosaurus rex, hollandaise, & the second story containing teeth.

‘Refrain’:

He wore an eye patch over his eye. He saw.

‘Brave Contestant of Faith’:

A game show, God or No God, & earwax-flavored  Starburst.

‘Temporomandibular’:

A made-up word & a kitten is in a mouth.

‘A Man Buys a Gun After Losing His Remote Control’:

Imagine watching Everybody Loves Raymond for the last ten years.

‘The Attic’:

I wish I had a conflict-free backup family. He does.

‘Today Brandi Wells’ Cat Fell Out of a Tree But He Was Not Upset’:

Brandi Wells is a writer & her cat climbs trees.

‘The Fall of Atlantis’:

Atlantis is bullied, & needs to stand up for itself.

‘A Suicidal Amputee Tries to Kill Himself By Rolling Off His Bed, Down the Stairs, Through the Screen Door, and Into Traffic; Some Dominican Kids Poke Him With Sticks Too, and an Eagle and an Eagle Shits on Him’:

Every sentence in this begins ‘The suicidal amputee’s left/right leg’.

‘Want To Hear Something Really Creepy?’:

Writing takes us elsewhere, even without trying, go try it.

‘Magic Show’:

Detective. Magician. Rabbit. Lovely Assistant. The longest story so far.

‘Going At It Like. . .’:

The difference between fucking & colon exams, & more bunnies.

‘Electric Boogaloo’:

If you wanted to breakdance then launch like a rocket.

‘The Time Traveling Giraffe Is On Fire’:

First story with a giraffe, second with bursts of fire.

‘Cormac McCarthy’:

One long sentence that actually looks more like William Faulkner.

‘Bread and Body of Christ’:

If you could sue a Pope and he showed up.

‘A Sloth and the Newspaper Boy’:

These two things are made related in this one story.

‘Liquid Gold’:

Like a pirate in a bathtub of toys & blood.

‘The Den’:

All about growing up & how fathers become their fathers.

‘Tao Lin’:

Tao Lin & a neutral facial expression & ape-flavored smoothies.

‘The Detective’:

The second lost remote. The second detective. This ends happier.

‘Birthday Present’:

Socks represent our only two choices of emptiness or emptiness

‘Reading Sam Pink’:

About conquering Sam Pink, who also designed this book’s cover.

‘Debunking the Bard’:

William Shakespeare & a hot dog vendor & an academic.

‘Hide and Seek Champion’:

Death as a winless game of hide without anyone seeking.

‘In the Airport’:

A maybe monologue of we talking to no one listening.

‘The Adventures of a Small, Ceramic Giraffe in Tudor England’:

The second giraffe but the first mention of Tudor England.

‘Four Answers to Four Questions’:

There is only one question mark in this entire story.

‘The Lunch Date’:

Many sentences here say only ‘Adolf Hitler is now choking’.

‘Time to Eat’:

A textual rendering of Dali’s perhaps most famous clock painting.

‘The Ghost Parade’:

A meta-fiction & sometime within a cat becomes a millionaire.

‘The Study’:

A secret passage behind a book leads to a womb.

‘A Texas Cowboy and His Pal, The Genie, on Vacation’:

Who likes Bermuda more, a Texas cowboy or a Genie?

‘The Architects of the Dismantling’:

This is dedicated to me & appeared in Mud Luscious.

‘Archeologist’:

This is a story like trying to hold a tiger.

‘Caterpillars and Watermelons’:

Caterpillars = 12. Watermelons = 14. Petrol = 1 (lovely).

‘A Headless Man Falls in Love with a Bowl of Rice’:

As if an emotion were a tick trying to enter.

‘The Time Traveling Giraffe Defies God’:

The third giraffe, the second God mention, the first Zimbabwe.

‘In the Restaurant’:

Second person point of view, baby as an entrée. .

‘Gathered in Nerdy Congress’:

Maybe the only story ever with both Wii and War.

‘The Laundry Room’:

A laundry room, I suppose, as a kind of bedroom.

‘Crawling Over Fifty Good Pussies to Get One Fat Boy’s Asshole’:

I didn’t ever expect: ‘Alex Tron’ or ‘ My nigga’.

‘Invincible’:

Lemonade business involves an interdimensional dimension transcending time & space.

‘Alligator in Space’:

The title defines the alligator astronaut that longs in this.

‘Scenes from the Life of a Greeting Card Designer’:

Tim Hallmark wields an AK-47, yeah, that’s right, that happens.

‘Defeat of the Mountain Spirit’:

Mount Holyoke is in this, & so is Bradley Sands.

‘One of Those Poorly Written Stories That Are Impossible to Follow Because There Are Too

Many Goddamn Characters’:

That is exactly the story. It needs no further explanation.

‘Hold-up’:

I’m unsure how many guns there have been in here.

‘The Writer’:

This story only applies if we keep reading bad shit.

‘How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed’:

Blood sacrifices. That’s how to do it. Many blood sacrifices.

‘Electronic Gaming News’:

How it would be to be invincible if we could.

Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

Bradley Sands

Lazy Fascist Books, 2010

$10.95