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Ten Words about Each of Them: A Spiraling Summary–Type Review of Bradley Sand’s Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

‘Seth Schultz’:

Seth ruins an orgy by coming dressed as a bear.

‘Eggs Benedict’:

A Tyrannosaurus rex, hollandaise, & the second story containing teeth.

‘Refrain’:

He wore an eye patch over his eye. He saw.

‘Brave Contestant of Faith’:

A game show, God or No God, & earwax-flavored  Starburst.

‘Temporomandibular’:

A made-up word & a kitten is in a mouth.

‘A Man Buys a Gun After Losing His Remote Control’:

Imagine watching Everybody Loves Raymond for the last ten years.

‘The Attic’:

I wish I had a conflict-free backup family. He does.

‘Today Brandi Wells’ Cat Fell Out of a Tree But He Was Not Upset’:

Brandi Wells is a writer & her cat climbs trees.

‘The Fall of Atlantis’:

Atlantis is bullied, & needs to stand up for itself.

‘A Suicidal Amputee Tries to Kill Himself By Rolling Off His Bed, Down the Stairs, Through the Screen Door, and Into Traffic; Some Dominican Kids Poke Him With Sticks Too, and an Eagle and an Eagle Shits on Him’:

Every sentence in this begins ‘The suicidal amputee’s left/right leg’.

‘Want To Hear Something Really Creepy?’:

Writing takes us elsewhere, even without trying, go try it.

‘Magic Show’:

Detective. Magician. Rabbit. Lovely Assistant. The longest story so far.

‘Going At It Like. . .’:

The difference between fucking & colon exams, & more bunnies.

‘Electric Boogaloo’:

If you wanted to breakdance then launch like a rocket.

‘The Time Traveling Giraffe Is On Fire’:

First story with a giraffe, second with bursts of fire.

‘Cormac McCarthy’:

One long sentence that actually looks more like William Faulkner.

‘Bread and Body of Christ’:

If you could sue a Pope and he showed up.

‘A Sloth and the Newspaper Boy’:

These two things are made related in this one story.

‘Liquid Gold’:

Like a pirate in a bathtub of toys & blood.

‘The Den’:

All about growing up & how fathers become their fathers.

‘Tao Lin’:

Tao Lin & a neutral facial expression & ape-flavored smoothies.

‘The Detective’:

The second lost remote. The second detective. This ends happier.

‘Birthday Present’:

Socks represent our only two choices of emptiness or emptiness

‘Reading Sam Pink’:

About conquering Sam Pink, who also designed this book’s cover.

‘Debunking the Bard’:

William Shakespeare & a hot dog vendor & an academic.

‘Hide and Seek Champion’:

Death as a winless game of hide without anyone seeking.

‘In the Airport’:

A maybe monologue of we talking to no one listening.

‘The Adventures of a Small, Ceramic Giraffe in Tudor England’:

The second giraffe but the first mention of Tudor England.

‘Four Answers to Four Questions’:

There is only one question mark in this entire story.

‘The Lunch Date’:

Many sentences here say only ‘Adolf Hitler is now choking’.

‘Time to Eat’:

A textual rendering of Dali’s perhaps most famous clock painting.

‘The Ghost Parade’:

A meta-fiction & sometime within a cat becomes a millionaire.

‘The Study’:

A secret passage behind a book leads to a womb.

‘A Texas Cowboy and His Pal, The Genie, on Vacation’:

Who likes Bermuda more, a Texas cowboy or a Genie?

‘The Architects of the Dismantling’:

This is dedicated to me & appeared in Mud Luscious.

‘Archeologist’:

This is a story like trying to hold a tiger.

‘Caterpillars and Watermelons’:

Caterpillars = 12. Watermelons = 14. Petrol = 1 (lovely).

‘A Headless Man Falls in Love with a Bowl of Rice’:

As if an emotion were a tick trying to enter.

‘The Time Traveling Giraffe Defies God’:

The third giraffe, the second God mention, the first Zimbabwe.

‘In the Restaurant’:

Second person point of view, baby as an entrée. .

‘Gathered in Nerdy Congress’:

Maybe the only story ever with both Wii and War.

‘The Laundry Room’:

A laundry room, I suppose, as a kind of bedroom.

‘Crawling Over Fifty Good Pussies to Get One Fat Boy’s Asshole’:

I didn’t ever expect: ‘Alex Tron’ or ‘ My nigga’.

‘Invincible’:

Lemonade business involves an interdimensional dimension transcending time & space.

‘Alligator in Space’:

The title defines the alligator astronaut that longs in this.

‘Scenes from the Life of a Greeting Card Designer’:

Tim Hallmark wields an AK-47, yeah, that’s right, that happens.

‘Defeat of the Mountain Spirit’:

Mount Holyoke is in this, & so is Bradley Sands.

‘One of Those Poorly Written Stories That Are Impossible to Follow Because There Are Too

Many Goddamn Characters’:

That is exactly the story. It needs no further explanation.

‘Hold-up’:

I’m unsure how many guns there have been in here.

‘The Writer’:

This story only applies if we keep reading bad shit.

‘How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed’:

Blood sacrifices. That’s how to do it. Many blood sacrifices.

‘Electronic Gaming News’:

How it would be to be invincible if we could.

Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

Bradley Sands

Lazy Fascist Books, 2010

$10.95

3 thoughts on “Ten Words about Each of Them: A Spiraling Summary–Type Review of Bradley Sand’s Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

  1. I really like this review. I have been eyeing up this book for the past couple weeks, and seeing this here might be the tipping point to purchase. Actually, as of a few days ago, I’ve contracted a sudden obsession with bizarro fiction – though I have yet to read any of book-length. It’s just something I really *want* to like.

    I ordered a couple books to get me started:

    Satan Burger by Carlton Mellick III – [I nearly bought this when it first came out, as Amazon so heavily suggested it to me during my junior high Palahniuk infatuation. Mellick & his bizarre cohorts fell totally off my radar until this week. This seems to be the bizarro starter novel.]

    Person by Sam Pink – [I know of Sam from htmlgiant, I’d been wanting to read his Frowns Need Friends Too, but decided to pick up this newer one instead. I don’t know if this one would be considered bizarro or not.]

    The Vegan Revolution…with Zombies by David Agranoff – [I couldn’t ignore the pairing of vegans and zombies [one of them I’m into, and one of them I am]. I picked this one up on a whim.]

    I’ve found Amazon reviews hold little authority as far as bizarro recommendations go, since some [the diehard fans] rate the books way up, offering nothing for newcomers such as myself [e.g.: ‘this one was as good as ___ [another book by the same author I haven’t read]], whereas others [those with little interest in the style] don’t get it or don’t like it, so they rate it way down, providing nothing in the way of logical criticism.

    So, basically, I’m asking for bizarro recommendations. Which titles are must-reads? Any to skip? I’d take a list as long as you can dish.

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