‘Seth Schultz’:
Seth ruins an orgy by coming dressed as a bear.
‘Eggs Benedict’:
A Tyrannosaurus rex, hollandaise, & the second story containing teeth.
‘Refrain’:
He wore an eye patch over his eye. He saw.
‘Brave Contestant of Faith’:
A game show, God or No God, & earwax-flavored Starburst.
‘Temporomandibular’:
A made-up word & a kitten is in a mouth.
‘A Man Buys a Gun After Losing His Remote Control’:
Imagine watching Everybody Loves Raymond for the last ten years.
‘The Attic’:
I wish I had a conflict-free backup family. He does.
‘Today Brandi Wells’ Cat Fell Out of a Tree But He Was Not Upset’:
Brandi Wells is a writer & her cat climbs trees.
‘The Fall of Atlantis’:
Atlantis is bullied, & needs to stand up for itself.
‘A Suicidal Amputee Tries to Kill Himself By Rolling Off His Bed, Down the Stairs, Through the Screen Door, and Into Traffic; Some Dominican Kids Poke Him With Sticks Too, and an Eagle and an Eagle Shits on Him’:
Every sentence in this begins ‘The suicidal amputee’s left/right leg’.
‘Want To Hear Something Really Creepy?’:
Writing takes us elsewhere, even without trying, go try it.
‘Magic Show’:
Detective. Magician. Rabbit. Lovely Assistant. The longest story so far.
‘Going At It Like. . .’:
The difference between fucking & colon exams, & more bunnies.
‘Electric Boogaloo’:
If you wanted to breakdance then launch like a rocket.
‘The Time Traveling Giraffe Is On Fire’:
First story with a giraffe, second with bursts of fire.
‘Cormac McCarthy’:
One long sentence that actually looks more like William Faulkner.
‘Bread and Body of Christ’:
If you could sue a Pope and he showed up.
‘A Sloth and the Newspaper Boy’:
These two things are made related in this one story.
‘Liquid Gold’:
Like a pirate in a bathtub of toys & blood.
‘The Den’:
All about growing up & how fathers become their fathers.
‘Tao Lin’:
Tao Lin & a neutral facial expression & ape-flavored smoothies.
‘The Detective’:
The second lost remote. The second detective. This ends happier.
‘Birthday Present’:
Socks represent our only two choices of emptiness or emptiness
‘Reading Sam Pink’:
About conquering Sam Pink, who also designed this book’s cover.
‘Debunking the Bard’:
William Shakespeare & a hot dog vendor & an academic.
‘Hide and Seek Champion’:
Death as a winless game of hide without anyone seeking.
‘In the Airport’:
A maybe monologue of we talking to no one listening.
‘The Adventures of a Small, Ceramic Giraffe in Tudor England’:
The second giraffe but the first mention of Tudor England.
‘Four Answers to Four Questions’:
There is only one question mark in this entire story.
‘The Lunch Date’:
Many sentences here say only ‘Adolf Hitler is now choking’.
‘Time to Eat’:
A textual rendering of Dali’s perhaps most famous clock painting.
‘The Ghost Parade’:
A meta-fiction & sometime within a cat becomes a millionaire.
‘The Study’:
A secret passage behind a book leads to a womb.
‘A Texas Cowboy and His Pal, The Genie, on Vacation’:
Who likes Bermuda more, a Texas cowboy or a Genie?
‘The Architects of the Dismantling’:
This is dedicated to me & appeared in Mud Luscious.
‘Archeologist’:
This is a story like trying to hold a tiger.
‘Caterpillars and Watermelons’:
Caterpillars = 12. Watermelons = 14. Petrol = 1 (lovely).
‘A Headless Man Falls in Love with a Bowl of Rice’:
As if an emotion were a tick trying to enter.
‘The Time Traveling Giraffe Defies God’:
The third giraffe, the second God mention, the first Zimbabwe.
‘In the Restaurant’:
Second person point of view, baby as an entrée. .
‘Gathered in Nerdy Congress’:
Maybe the only story ever with both Wii and War.
‘The Laundry Room’:
A laundry room, I suppose, as a kind of bedroom.
‘Crawling Over Fifty Good Pussies to Get One Fat Boy’s Asshole’:
I didn’t ever expect: ‘Alex Tron’ or ‘ My nigga’.
‘Invincible’:
Lemonade business involves an interdimensional dimension transcending time & space.
‘Alligator in Space’:
The title defines the alligator astronaut that longs in this.
‘Scenes from the Life of a Greeting Card Designer’:
Tim Hallmark wields an AK-47, yeah, that’s right, that happens.
‘Defeat of the Mountain Spirit’:
Mount Holyoke is in this, & so is Bradley Sands.
‘One of Those Poorly Written Stories That Are Impossible to Follow Because There Are Too
Many Goddamn Characters’:
That is exactly the story. It needs no further explanation.
‘Hold-up’:
I’m unsure how many guns there have been in here.
‘The Writer’:
This story only applies if we keep reading bad shit.
‘How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed’:
Blood sacrifices. That’s how to do it. Many blood sacrifices.
‘Electronic Gaming News’:
How it would be to be invincible if we could.
Bradley Sands
Lazy Fascist Books, 2010
$10.95